Why do mothers push their daughters to do things they are not ready for?
My mother wants grandkids. Like, right now. "I don't want to be old and decrepit when you have kids," she says. "I want to be able to still have fun with them."
Okay, that's valid. However, Mom, it's not your body or your life. It's mine. And I'm just not ready for any of that. My choice to have kids when I want to will not depend on your age or vitality.
I don't even know if I want children yet. Okay, pick your jaws off the floor and give your hearts a minute to start again. I know, I know. A young female of child-bearing age may not even want to have them? What is this blasphemy? Women are the emotional ones who yearn to create life, to pass on their DNA and flesh and blood and form their own little mini selves.
But me? I feel I have no maternal instincts. Everything about motherhood terrifies me. Another human being's life is literally in my hands. One wrong move and I could easily accidentally harm my own child. I could say or do the wrong thing and screw him or her up for life. And then there's the whole pregnancy fiasco. Because all of that magic sounds like a glowing basket of jellybeans on Easter.
My mother had her first child, my older brother, at age 24. This apparently means that I should have had my first already, since I just turned 25. Does she not realize that times have changed, and just because she had kids young that doesn't meant that I should, have to, or am going to also?
I can't even afford to take care of myself right now. I'm paying off my last semester of my undergrad -- because I couldn't get a loan on my own, and my mom was apparently maxed out from her cosigning both my brother's and my loans -- I can't even pay my own car insurance, and I am drowning in student loan debt which I will be paying off for the rest of my life. How could I possibly even begin to think about starting a family if I can't even keep myself afloat?
Besides, there is no ring on this finger. Danny is even younger than me. He's the one who wants kids in our future, and he's less ready for that kind of commitment than I am. We have plenty of time, Mom, okay? Okay?!
My mother wants grandkids. Like, right now. "I don't want to be old and decrepit when you have kids," she says. "I want to be able to still have fun with them."
Okay, that's valid. However, Mom, it's not your body or your life. It's mine. And I'm just not ready for any of that. My choice to have kids when I want to will not depend on your age or vitality.
I don't even know if I want children yet. Okay, pick your jaws off the floor and give your hearts a minute to start again. I know, I know. A young female of child-bearing age may not even want to have them? What is this blasphemy? Women are the emotional ones who yearn to create life, to pass on their DNA and flesh and blood and form their own little mini selves.
But me? I feel I have no maternal instincts. Everything about motherhood terrifies me. Another human being's life is literally in my hands. One wrong move and I could easily accidentally harm my own child. I could say or do the wrong thing and screw him or her up for life. And then there's the whole pregnancy fiasco. Because all of that magic sounds like a glowing basket of jellybeans on Easter.
My mother had her first child, my older brother, at age 24. This apparently means that I should have had my first already, since I just turned 25. Does she not realize that times have changed, and just because she had kids young that doesn't meant that I should, have to, or am going to also?
I can't even afford to take care of myself right now. I'm paying off my last semester of my undergrad -- because I couldn't get a loan on my own, and my mom was apparently maxed out from her cosigning both my brother's and my loans -- I can't even pay my own car insurance, and I am drowning in student loan debt which I will be paying off for the rest of my life. How could I possibly even begin to think about starting a family if I can't even keep myself afloat?
Besides, there is no ring on this finger. Danny is even younger than me. He's the one who wants kids in our future, and he's less ready for that kind of commitment than I am. We have plenty of time, Mom, okay? Okay?!
You are so young, and certainly have plenty of time. My mother had my older brother at 23, I didn't have my firstborn until 29 - and I was still a young mother among my circle of friends! Things have changed a lot in the last generation or two.
ReplyDeleteYes, thank you! Plus, my mom is only 50. She acts like she's on death's door and is never going to even meet these imaginary mini-mes.
DeleteI had my first at 21. I've often wished I had waited. I would have been so much beter equipped for the emotional demands of parenting if I had.
ReplyDeleteAt 21, I was too busy worrying about school and life to even think about kids. My mom sometimes says she wishes she would have waited, went to college, and done it in the "right order," but then she also says she wouldn't have my brother and me the way we are, and things would be different. No regrets. =)
DeleteMy kids came along at 31, 33, and the twins at 37. My hubby and I knew we weren't ready for kids until we'd been married a decade or so. You're making a smart choice, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteBoyfriend and I have discussed this, and even though we're not even engaged, if that it is in our future, we want to be ready and prepared in all forms. Established careers, financial security, and married for a little while to enjoy our company with each other first.
DeleteThat's right, Kerry, you need to become a Mom if and when the time is right for YOU! Tell your Mom 30 is the new 20.
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up with the TALU!
Hi, visiting from TALU. I had my first baby 6 weeks shy of turning 41. And I was finally ready. Take your time. Some things are so much easier when you wait. I have more patience, appreciation and money than I did at 25. I wouldn't change a thing.
ReplyDeleteYep that shouldn't even be on your radar so don't sweat your mom, she will be fine. I was TWICE my mom's age when I had a baby. So she was early and I was late ;-)
ReplyDelete